My IQ test score came back negative.
Premature greying is hereditary; you get it from your children.
You’re never too old to grow up.
Smoking is the leading cause of statistics.
There’s always a good reason. Then there’s the real reason.
A woman’s guess is much more accurate than a man’s certainty.
There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so. [Shakespeare]
It’s easy to spot the winners—they’re the ones not complaining about the rules.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
A just peace is when our side gets what it wants.
Experience is the best teacher and it gives you individual instruction.
A near friend is better than a distant relative.
Everything that goes up must come down except the cost of living.
Take me drunk—I’m home.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.
Etiquette is the noise you don’t make while eating soup.
The map is not the territory.
An ounce of emotion is worth a ton of facts.
No man is a prophet in his own country.
A whale is harpooned only when it spouts.
There is no fun in the graveyard. Give me my flowers now.
I have no words. My voice is in my sword. [Shakespeare’s Macbeth]
I only date crack whores.
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Nobody is hanged for thinking.
A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are. [Anais Nin]
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Don’t let the tail wag the dog.
Don’t cut bangs with a hatchet.
A slice of eggplant makes a dandy sink stopper.
Early to bed, early to rise: The curse of the working class.
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs. [Robespierre, 1790]
Old mailmen never die. They just lose their ZIP.
Wars are sweet to them who know them not.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but old fleas don’t mind a new dog.
Don’t swap horses while crossing a stream nor ever change diapers in midstream.
What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
A woman who will tell you her age will tell you anything.
Beware of the butcher who backs into the meat grinder and gets a little behind in his work.
Lovers are lunatics.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
You can still use a dime as a screwdriver.
If you had your life to live over again, you’d need more money.
When it rains, look for a rainbow.
Ah! But I was so much older then. I’m younger than that now.
Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.
Women and elephants never forget.
Once bitten, twice shy.
Little pitchers have big ears.
When in doubt, abstain.
Opportunity knocks but once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
Reality is for people who can’t face drugs.
Gentlemen prefer blondes because they are easier to find in the dark.
One sees great things from the valley and only small things from the peak.
The fortune teller never knows his own.
The end doesn’t justify the means.
Too much and too little spoils everything.
The earth is infected, and we are the virus.
Luck is better than long legs.
There’s no logic as powerful as necessity.
Never spit in a man’s face unless his mustache is on fire.
When a man is in love for the first time, he thinks she invented it.
Behind every great man is a surprised woman.
An archeologist makes the best husband. He appreciates her more as she gets older.
Anxiety is the interest paid on trouble before it is due.
He was advised to find a good example and follow it, so he became a counterfeiter.
Better praise yourself than find fault with others.
Lean liberty is better than fat slavery.
A prodigy at five—a genius at seven—a meteor at eight—and senile at eleven.
God isn’t dead. He’s just screening his calls.
You can’t know too much, but it’s easy to say too much.
The pen is mightier than the pencil.
You can’t learn to ice skate without looking ridiculous.
The bread always falls buttered side down.
The love game is never called off on account of darkness.
It takes three generations to make a gentleman.
Be yourself. Who is better qualified?
It is not the same to talk of bulls as to be in the bull ring.
Live and learn.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
If power corrupts, powerlessness corrupts even more.
Happiness is just a state of mind, like insanity.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Man is the only animal who blushes—or needs to.
Religion is a way of walking, not a way of talking.
Sometimes nothing succeeds like excess.
I do whatever my Rice Crispies tell me to do.
Some are great, some achieve greatness, and others just grate.
A man’s wealth is his enemy. [1059 A.D.]
Where does a lamb go for a haircut? To the baa-baa shop.
Don’t piss me off. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don’t confuse me with the facts. I’ve already made up my mind.
Society is a hospital of incurables.
Though the teeth be false, let the tongue be true.
Grasp all, lose all.
Kindness consists of loving people more than they deserve.
Never scratch a tiger with a short stick.
Nothing is impossible except sneezing with your eyes open.
We only nag the ones we love.
Patriotism is the egg from which wars are hatched.
Praise loudly. Blame softly.
She got her good looks from her dad. He’s a plastic surgeon.
Never do anything for the first time.
Humor is in the funny bone of the beholder.
Bees are not as busy as we think. They just can’t buzz any slower.
An artist can’t speak about his art any more than a plant can discuss horticulture.
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
Nothing makes you a better listener than hearing your name mentioned.
Any plan is bad that can’t be changed.
Faith is knowing there is an ocean because you have seen a brook.
Never say never. Never say always. Never say forever.
Don’t be veneer stuck on with glue. Be solid timber through and through.
Success isn’t permanent and failure isn’t fatal.
We are born to die. [Romeo and Juliet]
Medicare: Out of the coma and into the cab.
There are no atheists in an audit.
To do nothing is sometimes a good remedy.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
One man’s strawberries are another man’s hives.
Out of the mouth of babes comes cereal.
Coming events cast the shadows.
Man, the missing link between apes and humans.
Extremity of right is wrong.
A fish stinks from the head.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
Other people’s goats always have the biggest udders.
The tree is known by its fruit.
A man thinks he knows, but a woman knows better.
A beautiful theory killed by a nasty, ugly, little fact.
‘This hot dog is awful,’ she said frankly.
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.
Art is the illusion of spontaneity.
If you can’t buy happiness, charge it.
Life is not a popularity contest.
The mystery is not how the world is, but that it is.
Home sweet home—where you can scratch where it really itches.
Put your money where your mouth is. Lick a postage stamp.
A leopard cannot change its spots.
Familiarity breeds contempt. [6th century B.C.]
The world is your cow, but you have to do the milking. [Vermont proverb]
Don’t be yourself. Be someone a little nicer.
An apple a day makes 365 a year.
You can’t tell a book by its jacket blurb.
What is brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole? A lost camel.
Every martyr comes with a built-in bully.
Trouble comes in bunches, like bananas.
No matter how you slice it, it’s still baloney.
Spiritual eyesight improves as the physical eyesight declines.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Never lend your wife or your fountain pen.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Science has improved everything except people.
When money talks, it often says: Not guilty!
The art of governing consists in not letting men grow old in their jobs. [Napoleon]
Living well is always the best revenge.
Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.
The silent man is often worth listening to.
Take human bites.
Copyright © 2011 Gary M. English
All rights reserved.
Hey, some of these are laughing-out-loud funny!
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